Friday, January 1, 2016

2015 Was Not Bad At All.

Its 1:30am 1st January 2016. Im on my bed as usual thinking, while the rest of the world celebrating another whole new year.
Its cold tonight, 14 degrees here in Makkah. Through out the year we keep counting times. Wishing each month comes fast. Now that 2015 ends
I realised that somehow time flies little bit fast this time.

Alhamdulillah great things happened this year. Somehow this blog was all about my helpless romantic stories, searching to the right man. Well
we found each other in January 2015. I was just finished praying and shopping with my friend and her family. Suddenly she said she had fever, and yes, high fever. So i left her sisters to continue shopping and my friend and I went back to the hotel. I stayed with her for while, looked after her until her father and brother came back. Once they arrived, I excused myself. I ask permission to go home to her father and I saw her brother sitting in the room and I said Hi and Gooodbye to him. No response from him, I think he was shock why this girl so excited. So I took my luggage and went home. Yes , I shopped with my luggage. In case I bought many things, its easier to drag rather than carry. Hehe.

So to cut the story short, my friend told me that her brother likes me, and her mother too and we get to know each other by texting a little. Then we met each other, when I went home for vacation. Since then, everything just follow through. I went home again in July for Eid celebration and we got engaged and alhamdulillah so far still touching up our wedding preparation. Its kinda tough that I’m far away. My parents and my aunties are the ones preparing everything, alhamdulillah my friends are helping too. And most of it he is the one who arrange everything. He bought the materials for my wedding gown, he made the wedding card, search and find photo and videographer, most of the documents and many more. And he understand that I’m busy, he respect my space, my opinion and choices. I’m lucky. Nothing much to tell about now, since we never got to spend much time together. After marriage, in shaa allah the story begins. I introduce to you, Ariff Iskandar :)





Although since long time I wanted to get married, when the time so near and its happening, and its for real, I feel sad. Not that I am not excited to get married, its just my responsibility and priority now will change. Surely, everyone went through this. When I came home from boarding school after few months, I come home to my parents. Everything I’ve done is for them. Now, I have new home to come to. Its funny hows life is. When you were born, your parent celebrate you, finished school, then graduation, they celebrate. After all these time, the struggle they’ve been through, the hard work to raise and seeing where I’m standing today, they still celebrate the day that I’m living them. Somewhat unfair but that is the circle of life. Off course I will see everyone from time to time, its just the feeling of the whole new situation there makes my world chaos. I’m still adapting to my new life in future. Hope I will do well. I never stop praying, I’m kinda scared too. May ALLAH grant both of us His blessing as husband and wife.

Another important person that I met, and I believe Allah send her to me. Funny that I cannot explain how on earth we got so close. Its just like how ahlami and I became friends. Until now still no explanation on how me and amie become close by only seeing each other once a year. So I believed that Allah has arranged this for me. Same story goes with kak Mazni. Earlier we never got a chance to go out to eat or shopping together since the day I came here. Until there was one time, end of 2014 when the flood in Malaysia was so bad. I wanted to go to Masjid Al- Haram to pray and she was free and we end up praying together there. At that time, we were not that close. I have no idea what happen in between that now I feel like I has a sister that I never had, a best friend and almost lover. She don’t judge, I am at ease every time i’m around her. I can hugged her anytime I wanted or needed. What I said and done I don’t have to be scared that she will judge. Funny since school until now one or two still love to tease the way I carry myself. Calling me names but its okay, that doesn’t matter and not important. She looked after me when I was sick, stayed up all night and didn’t sleep and went to work dizzy the next morning. Many other things, but all I can say is thank you ALLAH for your kindness. All I can give is love, support and respect and prayers. Grant her happiness, blessing to her family and children and ease her pain, ease her journey. And I hope we will keep in touch where ever we go in future and to see each other again in akhirah, among others, in shaa allah. 





Part from that, my grandmother had a heart attack last months. She still recovering now, resting at home. Alhamdulillah, my mom was transferred back to Jerantut, so she can look after my grandmother. Allah, protect my family, be with them all the time. Grant them good health and wealth. Let us be among the one who always grateful with what we have. Alhamdulillah. I pray that she will get better soon, and I will see her in February. Stay strong wan , I love you so much :’(




Other than that, work was challenging as always. I know this is for my own personal growth. Alhamdulillah, I went through it just fine with Your help. Great experienced during disaster last Hajj. To be in the chaos and to see some miracles. Allahu akbar. I love this place. I don’t know how I will able to go back Malaysia for good. This is the only place that when I have hard time, I can immediately find peace. Lately I lost my temper a lot, and I hope You will forgive me. Forgive me. I will be better self, I’m trying to. Thank you Allah for loving me, my family and my friends, You know each one of them. Till next time. Sleepy head.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Before The New Beginning

We were just finished our training at the hockey field and all the girls were walking towards the dorm. I was talking to one of my best friend when I saw him passing by. He looked sad. I left the group and excused myself from my friends and I ran towards him. "Hi. How are you holding up?". At first he was quiet. I just walked with him. And then he said, "I'm okay". We sad down at one of the bench in front of the cafe in between our dorm. Everyone can see us. They just smile and walked away. His mother just passed away last week. We talked about it. He tried to hold himself from crying but I remembered, I cried. I heard someone told me before, that he is getting married soon. So I asked him. He said yes. but most probably postponed because his mother just passed away. Everything after that was kinda blur.

I woke up. It was just a dream that I can't get rid of my mind. I took a shower and drink my coffee. Check my emails, facebook, twitter and instagram. It was not sunny today. It was kinda dark outside. Looks like it was going to rain. I replied some of the messages I received when I was asleep last night. I started doing my laundry and I sat on my bed. I felt trouble. Like I was not restless but I was not at ease either. So I text him, asking how was he doing. This time, for real. He said he is still coping and grieving. He talked about his father being alone and seeing that, broke his heart. After we talked for awhile, I told him that I met someone. I feel like I'm in love again like when I first fall in love with him long time ago. I never felt like that for along time. All this while, I met lots of jerks rather than real man.

He was happy to hear this news from me. He was so thankful that I finally met someone. He said he always pray that one day I will meet someone better than him. He so glad that I turned out okay. I told him about my dream and asked him, is it really he is getting married or it just a rumor. He said yes, he is getting married. They both are just friend but his late mother like her so much until during umrah, she kept seeing her face. After his mother passed away, he wanted to postpone the wedding but his father said, to proceed as planned. Cause his mother would want that, she wanted the wedding to be in May, so lets do it, the father said.

So my dream was not wrong. I don't know why I have this dream but I guess part of me wanted to tell him whats going on. I did love him once. And I still care about him until now. After we broke up long ago, until now, most of our friends already married except us. Allah has His own way of arranging things. Alhamdulillah, He led us here, where I stand today, who I have become. He sent someone to love me for who I am, and become the biggest fan, and the best supporter so far. The one that I look up to and respect and learning to love everyday.

I am happy that we both found our ways and mature in the process. He is going to get married this May and if I'm lucky i will get married at the end of this year or maybe early next year. I am happy and thankful, but I feel sad at the same time. Its like we were breaking up with each other all over again. Funny. Only this time, we both going to have our own family. I wish him luck, told him that I always pray for him. He is going to be a great husband and father. The same thing goes to me, he said. "Thank you very much for everything. Take care in Makkah and while at work." I replied, "always".

Since I will not make it to his wedding, we agreed that I will see him and his wife at my wedding. In shaa allah. Alhamdulillah for everything. I took it hard back then. But I learned that we both grow and become a better person while we were apart. I hope that I'm ready to this new journey of mine. I am scared but excited at the same time. May Allah ease everything, guide and bless us in this challenging journey.

Case closed.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Letters to god.

Alhamdulillah, here I am again. Its already day 37 of me being in Makkah. Alhamdulillah everything runs smoothly. I have good place to stay, good food, great company and friends. Thank you ALLAH for sending them in my life. Surely, I am still adapting with the culture here. There are things that I amazed everyday just seeing how they practicing Islam but also they are things that I'm trying to make sense when it comes to their culture especially of their way of treating women. In shaa ALLAH i will adapt and make peace with it one day.

Today, I was little bit upset, again because that one person. I pray everyday that ALLAH will send someone to safe us from him. But its okay ALLAH, I know you are being fair at the moment. People in Palestine, Syria they need you the most. Help them ALLAH, place them in Jannah. Forgive me for being so weak. Accept my prayers ALLAH. and give me strength here. I know you always be there for me, love me, looking after me where I go. I thank you everyday. Especially when I'm here, I need you to fight my own fear, to be better in my ibadah & work. Thank you for looking after my family and friends at home & where ever they are. I might be brave in front of others, but only you know how scared I am in my every move here. So every second I rely on you, I pray to you that you will protect me from harm. Forgive me ALLAH if I keep complaining to you. I'm sorry, I really need you especially today. 

My birthday is coming. I am far from home. Its okay. I'm here. I hope you make easy my day and all the things that I do. I need my punch bag. I hope it will arrive by next week. I need it to keep me physically, mentally and emotionally healthy. Oh ya, hopefully i will be able to perform umrah during Eid since I'm off for a week.
Okay off for iftar. Til next time, in shaa ALLAH. 

Monday, August 26, 2013

Life is short. So be brave!


My friend, Nadiah, she got married yesterday. Alhamdulillah. All went well. Capturing those beautiful memories and spending times with school friends were best moments that I cherish. Felt so good yesterday yet so tired at the end of the day. Can't imagine the bride and her families. Must be super exhausted. 

At the same time yesterday, I got to know that one of my friends has been diagnosed with liver cancer. I kept myself together and talked to him in the car on our way to LRT station. I think it feels little bit different when the person that suffering from cancer is your friend or family member. I mean, as nurse, I've seen cancer patient almost everyday. It doesn't make things easier. I just let him know that he got my support and prayers, Inshaallah. May ALLAH help him go through this phase of his life. Give him strength to carry on. 

In the other  part of the world, Nik has started his class now in Yale. We talked for a little while the other day. I texted him, it was a rainy day and I missed him. He love the class but too much work he said. I remind myself everyday to let it go and focus on other thing. I think, it's working slowly. Every time I think of him now, I pray and get myself busy. I read, or I talk to somebody else or mostly watched my favourite drama series. Those good memories I'll keep it with me. Thank you for making me felt so happy pass few months. I really do appreciate it. Brave enough to take chances and now I have to be brave enough to accept the consequences. 

I talked to my father 2 days ago as I suddenly decided to change my car to buy a new one. He agreed with my idea. Honda Jazz vibe-s. I just need to finish renovate my house first and then buy a new car. Hopefully by end of this year I can drive a new car. Ameen.

I also aiming for new Nikon D800. The price is so expensive. I guess I just need to work hard for that. and hopefully I can take great pictures and improve my skills time to time. 

There are many other things in mind that I want to do. List it all down as I always do. Step by step work it through and pray harder so that I can achieve all the goals that I make. and hopefully along the way I will find that very person who willing to spend the rest of his life with me. Until then, I just need to be patient and work hard. 

Monday, July 29, 2013

People say goodbye in their own special way.

Today is the day where every second of it hits my veins. I'm down with fever for three days now, but I'm feeling much better today. Just little bit of headache and I can't really sleep after 4am. As I lay down on my bed I can't get him out  of my mind. So I prayed and mentioned his name to ALLAH. I know that He will always listen, no matter what time it was. As I was making Dua for him, suddenly I received notifications from my phone. Subhanallah, I did not expect that at all. He texted me asking how my recovery progress and saying that he was quite sad as later today he going to say goodbye to his brothers in Singapore. 

Two days ago, we talked and we reached an agreement that I will not be there at the airport to say goodbye to him, as his parent will be there too. And he said its Ramadhan, he don't want me to trouble myself go to airport just to say goodbye. It will be during the day and his flight take around 26 hours. Well, I'm fine with it. 

This week he will be busy with ex colleagues will do farewell and he has wedding ceremony to attend and he will be leaving to USA in Thursday. He said, he didn't expect much attention from others as he was planning to go quietly. So he was sorry that we couldn't meet each other again in this short time. We continued our conversation until around 8am. But this time it was like he was trying to clear the clouds in his own kind and gentle ways. I can read the sign. 

Being me, I can't really contained myself from doing things that I want, to the people that I care. My friends would understand this better. So there I was lying down and thinking, I can't say goodbye at the airport, I can't meet him before he fly so at least I can give him a card. Right? I'm old fashion that way. Card works for me every time. So I asked him his address. He said I shouldn't trouble myself doing that as he's leaving soon and snail mail most probably didn't reach before wednesday. But he was most appreciated of the thought of it. And being me I didn't stop there, being stubborn I still going to send the card to him. So finally he said, he actually kinda shy that it will be sent to his parent's house. So he gave me the address to his office and they will forward it to him. My mom always said, if in your heart, you have the intention to do things or give something, just proceed with that. ALLAH will do the rest. So I settled with that, whether he will get the card or not let the universe do the works. I am fine with it. 


He said, I should not worry too much about him. I said I was not. But deep inside maybe just little. I care about him, off course I worry. "Anyway, you shouldn't worry. Am just nobody. Just someone who's leaving the country and not sure when coming back. Maybe will just go off and live in Canada afterwards. Haha" This was him telling me that I should not wait for him, I should not invest anything on him in his kind and gentle ways as I said earlier. So I told him that he should not worry too. "I am just a friend who really glad that we've met. Go live your dreams, study well and see where it brings you. Maybe you stay there, maybe you come back. What ever it is, the only thing that matters is your happiness. And I'll be here, doing what I do, crazy things as always. Will be there for you if you need to talk about something or nothing. And you should know that I love you." Scratch the last sentence. I did not say that. 


He said good luck with my dreams too. Hope I find happiness in what I do and the people I meet. I said, thank you for being so kind and patient with me. As I was acting kinda crazy and for other men, they would have run away long time ago. He said "Thank you. I'm not perfect either. Far from it actually. Anyway, you're a good person I know that. You'll be fine no matter what you do." I do not know what he had done in his pass. But knowing him now, surely he deserves to be loved and to earn that respect for being humble and being him. We talked little bit more and he asked me to rest. So I ended the conversation with, "P/s: Will annoy you from time to time in future. Be prepared. Be safe." "Haha, thanks for the heads up." "Always". 


159 days since we met. I know that eventually this day will come. I'm not sad but not happy either. He makes me want to know him more. He said he's quiet and shy but not with me. Although I can see he is kinda shy. Maybe he was trying not to show. The fact that he didn't be a jerk about any of the things that I did, that just makes me love him more. Well, life must go on. We will keep in touch Inshaa ALLAH. For all that worth, thank you ALLAH for everything. He will be celebrating Eid alone in USA, be there for him, protect him, love him, guide him, bless him like you always do. Thank you.  

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Till I see you again

I woke up after I heard beeping sound from my phone. My head felt kinda heavy and looked at the text message I received. He asked where should we meet up. So I replied and walked to bathroom with eyes half open. It was 2:30pm. Lucky last night was not so busy, I was not that tired. Got myself ready and before went out from the house, replied him "secret recipe. Be there soon." Assuming he already reached the place, I calmed myself down and drove to the place.

Parked my car and try to text him but my credit finished. "Seriously?". Walked in towards Secret recipe and there he was standing outside at the corner of the shop. Wearing white shirt, handsome. He was looking at his phone when I came and said Hi. He told me it was full inside and I went and looked there was one empty table, the customer just left. Lucky me. So we sat down and order our meal. 

We chat topic to topic and as I thought that I started to relax, I asked, " Do you know how to ride a horse?" "Oh ya. I do. But been a long time. I used to do jumping and dressage." Inside voice I was like, you must be kidding me. He is the prince charming. I just died. Haha. So as I was excited with the fact we continue the conversation with other activities and stuffs we've done in our life so far. Oh and earlier he told me that next week he gonna start doing some elective work to prepare himself for master programme in August. Will work 9am-6pm. So I guess, no horse riding with him then. 

I asked him bout the places he had been before. I was telling him bout me going to japan and next year maybe visit Makkah or Europe. and he was "Now the place has a lot of development. Nice to go with all the new buildings." I was lost, "Err which place?" "oh Makkah" He said. " Lucky you been there too". "Been there 3 times but the last time I went was  6 years ago. My granpa used to bring me." I got nothing accept being amazed. 

I can't finished my meal but I finished my mocha and 2 big glasses of warm water. I guess I was nervous. And in between the conversation, there was a cat keep coming to the next table. and we were sitting  near the door. The cat followed one of the customer to the door as maybe it wanted to go out. But the girl didn't hold the door and the cat's head stuck in between the door and struggle and noticing that, he almost gonna ran to it but the cat released from the door before he managed to help. The cat came to our table. I look at the cat and said "Are you okay". It looked at me and sat there. Poor cat. He laughed a little seeing me talking to a cat. There you go, drama of the day. 

As we finished our prayers and I was ready to say goodbye he said its okay I walked you out. Our cars parked at different place but since he was fine with it, so we walked out together. It was dark like its gonna rain soon and after I paid my parking ticket again I was ready to say goodbye and he said I walked you to you car. and Its already raining. I kept thinking will I ever see him again? So I said, " I got one last request, so do you mind if I take picture with you?" He agreed and got one of the guy to take for us. So before I got into the car, and before we both wet under the rain, I gave him the card and cookies for her mom. We said goodbye and thanks each other for amazing 2 hours. 

Got in the car relieved and drove home with starting song "See you again" by Carrie Underwood. Being me, pressed repeat celebrating the best 2 hours singing until I reached home. Thank you ALLAH for the best day. I hope I can send him at the airport in July. Meanwhile, be safe charming.

P/s: He said, "Don't worry yourself too much." Okay I'll keep that in mind. Always :)

Friday, April 19, 2013

The best 2 hours coffee I ever had.

Traffic was bad earlier, its Friday evening. But I managed to reach at around 1715 hours. I looked at my phone and no message yet. So I decided to go to the book store first and find my Crime Novels. There was ridiculously a lot of people at the book store. I went to the counter and asked, "Richard Castle, Naked Heat?" The staff went and took it for me. "You can find others at the 'Movie tie-in' section over there." I spent half an hour at the section dropping jaw just looking at the books and I didn't realised I got a text message until I went out from the store. 

So he stucked in traffic and we decided to meet up at Dome. I sat there, patiently waiting and breathing trying to calm myself. So to kill time I started reading one of the books I bought. After a while I checked my phone, there was no new message and I looked around, looked outside incase he arrived. and there he was standing outside wearing blue shirt, short hair, looked thinner than before. I saw him picked up his phone and his eyes were looking for me. I picked up the phone and waved a little. He saw me. We sat facing each other and we ordered our coffee. I smiled at him as he started the conversation talking about the traffic and feeling bad keeping me waiting. and he looked at the books and said "Oh castle? The one in the series? Is it the same writer like in the series?' I was too distracted knowing that he knows about Castle, but lucky I managed to answer that in sort of cool manner. Not overly excited like I always do. 

So we talked about many things, topic to topic and I know now that he can play drums and percussions. He has a guitar but he don't really know how to play cause he found little bit hard to learn. He said he has short and chubby fingers so when he supposed to press on one string, he would pressed on all the other strings. No, his fingers are just fine. Handsome fingers. So while we talked about his family, his project, his master programme and suddenly...pitched black! and I was like, "Is somebody celebrating birthday or what?". I can hear he laughed little bit and said, "No electricity. Look, the fans off." There was so many things I wanna say at that moment, but I hold my thoughts. Laughing quietly inside. Nice move DOME, blacked out during my first date. but we continue chatting. He said, "we should just run away and go to other place." We laughed a bit but in my head I was like "Yeah, we should run away and get married." After a while, the lights on and we continue conversation.

Before we went separately, he said sorry for a short meeting. We will get a proper dinner sometime. or if I finish work at 2pm, we can grab lunch cause he live nearby. and He said it was really nice meeting me again. and we said goodbye. 

I don't feel anything. but it such a relieved that I survived my first date. Well at least for me. Maybe it just a coffee meeting for him. Still, I love it, that it happened. There was one time I just lost my word and he looked at me waiting and I looked at him like a lost puppy. Man, I was so embarrassed and after a while I got to say what I wanna say. He was like smiling and patiently listening. It was distracting. I can't focus. But Alhamdulillah. I pray that this is not the last chapter of this ongoing relationship. Thank you ALLAH for the opportunity and I love you  :) Always.